It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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