I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
