Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
