she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
