And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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