I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
