We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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