You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
