I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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