Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
