My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
