If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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