I just pynch a tree in the face
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
