her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
