I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
