.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
