ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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