You're my little dorito
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
