Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
