upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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