i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
