come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
