You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
