He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize