You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
being pregnant is like rehab
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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