sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
