hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize