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• (313): View more from Michigan

  I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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• (415): View more from California

  Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.

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• (203): View more from Connecticut

  Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her

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• (510): View more from California

  I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

  (415): View more from California

  yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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• (716): View more from New York

  You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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• (817): View more from Texas

  The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Way to promote small business.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.

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• (360): View more from Washington

  I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.

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• (336): View more from North Carolina

  I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.

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• (616): View more from Michigan

  So like, boobs.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  are you really going to start every conversation like that?

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• (204): View more from Manitoba

  Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later

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