the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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