she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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