it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
