I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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