he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize