i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
