so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
