she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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