I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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