you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
