Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
