Already got asked if we're dating
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
