I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So many bounce houses so little time
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize