I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
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