This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
