your parents love me but you hate me
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
