Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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