in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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