I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
