Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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