Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize