Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize