I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
