I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
