You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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