This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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