when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
