kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
