I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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