I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
