just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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