I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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