Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
