Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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