she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
