i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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