Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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